Wednesday, February 08, 2006

 

After his divorce, Marty Nine got a dog. It was a beagle and was very cute, with its brown and black spots and its tiny little paws. It would hop up on Marty whenever he returned from work, and it would hide if it made a boo boo and pooped inside the house. Marty never liked the dog. To be frank, he didn’t like animals at all. Initially, getting a dog was supposed to give Marty a sense of camaraderie in what seemed to be an incredibly mundane, lonely life filled with days locked into a computer programmer’s job, and evenings in front of the television, or frequently at bars and strip clubs. Ultimately, though, the dog became a nuisance. Its constant need for adoration, or attention drove Marty crazy.

The dog would eventually suffer under Marty’s nastiness, but nothing physically abusive. He named it Pencil Pusher, mirroring his day job to some degree, and Shortened that to Pee Pee, or Pencil. Pencil was subjected to all sorts of cruelty under Marty, the least of which was Nine’s penchant for pouring whiskey into Pencil’s dog bowl along with his water. When Pencil got drunk, Marty would sit and laugh, with his own whiskey in hand, as the puppy wobbled across the floor, ran into the walls chasing its tail or just lay there, unable to move.

Pencil had only one testicle, adding insult to Marty’s dislike for the dog. How had he overlooked the fact that his puppy had only one nut? What kind of unkind existence is that? How do the other dogs look at Pencil, when they come around and give a sniff? Inside, Marty wondered if he could take the dog to a specialist and either add another testicle, or give his dog a complete overhaul, maybe turn him into a female dog.

On weekends, Marty hoped to meet women with the aid of his cute, single-nut puppy. He took Pencil to the park and watched joggers run past while Pencil playfully chased the other dogs. Marty never approached the pretty women he’d see passing by as he sat staring lifelessly from a bench, casually sipping from his “to-go” cup of coffee. He simply stared ahead, wondering when this dog might become the chick magnet he’d imagined it to be.

posted by Hog 8:20 AM